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Our Blasted Lady of the Jellyfish:
Handy Cnidarian FAQ
Version: 0.74?
Who knows, things always change, it's Entropik Order!
Answers Provided By Severals Knowing Sts

Q: What is a Cnidarian?
Q: Why do Cnidarians pronounce it "Snide" instead of "Nide"?
Q: Is it possible to avoid the Fiery Rain?
Q: Are you people serious?
Q: What is a Mormon?
Q: Who the hell is Buddy?
Q: Is Buddy related to Bud?
Q: Has anyone ever been hurt by the Sacred Axe?
Q: Does Our Blasted Lady of the Jellyfish condone violence?
Q: Are you on drugs?!
Q: Where is the best place to worship?
Q: Won't this get me into trouble?
Q: How many Cnidarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Q: Do you guys call yourselves Saints?
Q: What do you think of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
Q: Praise Helix or Domecracy?

Q: What is a Cnidarian?

A: There are multiple answers to such a phenomenally unresearched question. Cnidarians are members of the radiate family, and defined by their possession of lovely stinging Cnidocytes. Roll in them, and scream. Then donate money to the other Cnidarians: those of us who worship Jellyfish, as well as other Cnidarians and Radiates. (St. Sailing)

A: Better yet, what is NOT a Cnidarian? A Cnidarian does not (1) read the books of Mark Amerika and (2) go to Bible study with John Shirley. Any Cnidarian who can't read ancient Sumerian ain't worth shit, either. And, contrary to gossip, Cnidarians do not have sex with Nephilim. (St. Hemmingson)

A: I don't know about What. Nor do I know about Who, How or Where. But whY is a Cnidarian. (St. whY)

A: Some Cnidarians may have considered having sex with Nephilim. Or had wild fantasies about the act. It is our right after all. (St. Absentia)

A: One who recognizes that nature is WAY bigger & more complex than popular thinking would have one believe. (St. Klock)

A: I am a Cnidarian St., a SubGenius Rev., a ULC Minister, a Discordian Pope, and a Catholic Apostate. I hope that makes things much clearer for you. (St. Young)

Q: Why do Cnidarians pronounce it "Snide" instead of "Nide"?

A: Cnidarians by nature are pretty snide, and therefore it seemed suiting. (St. Sailing)

A: Because they're usually too high and giddy to speak right. (St. Hemmingson)

A: I hate silent consonants. (St. whY)

A: The "S" sound is a holy ritual symbolizing the ancient pact between the Old Jellies and those of us (un)lucky enough to be crawling across the face of the earth. Like the rainbow in the Old Testament, the "S" is a reminder of promises and facts made long ago. In this case, it is that we are "S"cum. (St. Young)

A: The Blasted One is fond of her lisp, and will use any excuse to include as many S words in a sentence as she possibly can. (St. Absentia)

Q: Is it possible to avoid the Fiery Rain?

A: Do you seriously WANT to? Well, okay, the only sure way to avoid the Fiery Rain is to stop pissing the Space Jellies off RIGHT NOW. Stop trashing their Nature Preserve! Be good little Cnidarians! Open your minds and watch the swirly patterns! Failing that... well, it's all a matter of how much you're being lied to. Some people want to think they can be spared the Fiery Rain when it happens, so of course we tell them there are ways. Oh, don't take that to mean we would ever lie to you. Of course we wouldn't! (St. Sailing)

A: Why would you wanna? Takes the fun out of things. To avoid it is to lead a mundane life. (St. Hemmingson)

A: A partial translation of a badly-degraded signal recently received from across the Blasted Expanses would seem to indicate a possible alternative to the Fiery Rain. It seems that if you find the "Ishtar Egg in the Great Program" (the demi-universal holonym "xyzzy" does not work, BTW), you may then instead choose something else, which seems to translate as "Bukkake of (or, 'by') the Elder Gods." (This may, however, actually be no more than a demographically-targeted euphemism for the "Fiery Rain of Cnidocytes".) (St. whY)

A: I would never deny you your right to believe you want to avoid the Fiery Rain. However, I will note that I sometimes feel it is necessary to advise mental assistance to people who may not, under their present circumstances, be capable of caring properly for their own best interests. Please do not misinterpret "mental assistance" as "shrinks prescribing bad pharmaceutical combinations that have 800,000 or more negative side effects". (St. Absentia)

A: You mean you actually WANT to avoid the Fiery Rain? What the hell is wrong with you? Wanting to avoid it will only make me telepathically bitch slap the insanity off your face until you beg for the Fiery Rain, you pathetic fool! Or at least until I feel better about you existing. (Dr. Wonka)

Q: Are you people serious?

A: Of COURSE we are serious. I mean, really, what is there about worshipping Giant Sentient Jellyfish from Outer Space that doesn't strike you as deeply real and serious?! SHEESH!!! (St. Sailing)

A: We're as serious as a three-legged chair in an ass-whooping contest. (St. Hemmingson)

A: "Serious" is, in my misbeguided estimation, only an alternate spelling of "Sirius", which is the Dog Star. Or a "cyber-wag" named “R.U.” We are the Streets (and Blasted Lady) of the Jellyfish. We are not Dog Stars, Scientomormonologists, or writers/ editors/ publishers of questionable extro(dysto)pian propaganda. (Oh, uh, wait…) (St. whY)

A: You've never met anyone more serious than us. It takes us half a day just to unclench our jaws after dealing with you PEOPLE. (St. Young)

A: I am serious at work. When it comes to Jellyfish, I am devotedly entranced. Unless it's one of those times when I find myself lost in the throes of soul-searching instead of pausing to admire the shimmering beauty and the intricate patterns. (St. Absentia)

Q: What is a Mormon?

A: You are okay. I'm not sure what cave you've been living in, but I hope you crawl out of it for the next Radiate Initiations. (St. Sailing)

A: A girl who sucks cock to gain converts. (St. Hemmingson)

A: The Cnidarian equivalent to a frat-boy's Catholic School Girl. (St. whY)

A: Something you only represent in court when they are not male. (St. Absentia)

Q: Who the hell is Buddy?

A: Buddy, in a fit of cluelessness, once upon a time decided to prostrate himself before us. We all had an immensely enjoyable time tormenting and molesting him. After some well-placed duct tape silenced the screams, we realized we wanted to keep him. Buddy eventually became Fornication Incarnate. Or maybe that was immediately. One of our Blessed Relics, the Buddy-Packer, is even named in honour of him. Would you care to become the next Buddy? (St. Sailing)

A: To ask is inviting one to know...spread 'em. Pack 'em. Ask John Everson. (St. Hemmingson)

A: (1a) He of the sweetest cheeks with which a bunghole (and/or a Cnidarianly tallywhacker) could possibly find itself surrounded. (1b) A sort of Cnidarian "Holey Tail". (St. whY)

A: The only person I know who might not scream and run away if you try to stick the wrong end of a pitchfork up his ass. (St. Absentia)

Q: Is Buddy related to Bud?

A: Heck, no! Bud was around LONG before Buddy. Bud is a respectable MothMan Guru, Buddy is an abused play-thing. That Buddy happens to have a bastardization of Bud's name is pure coincidence and the fault of no one barring maybe Buddy's parents -- both of whom I suspect are Mormons. In which case it would most definitely be their fault. (St. Sailing)

A: That's a sick question. That disgusts me. The images it conjures up. That's like asking if Philip K. Dick is related to John Holmes. (St. Hemmingson)

A: I agree with OBL about the nature of Bud, and in blaming Buddy's Mormonoid parents for this abdomination of our holey manuscript(u)re. However, while Our Blasted Lady (and certain other Streets) is/are Cnidarianly Infellatable, I must offer a "Schismoid Distention" (or, "dissenting opinion") to the rest of this statement, in the form of the answer that "all things are related, and all maladapted pseudo-namesakes happen for a reason". (And, really, even we HRIs must abdominate holey things in the name of the Jellies, from time to time. We are the Streets -- ie the pathways -- of the Jellyfish.) (St. whY)

A: Only in the same way that peacocks are related to bicycles. (St. Young)

A: Bud is a dom, and Buddy is a sub. Enough said. (St. Absentia)

Q: Has anyone ever been hurt by the Sacred Axe?

A: Um. Well. This is currently a matter of internal debate. I'll get back to you on it. (St. Sailing)

A: Only emotionally. (St. Hemmingson)

A: As the Sacred Axe's Original Keeper and Default Obligatory Bitch, I can answer this question ONLY in person and only to a Cnidarian of Radiate Initiate rank or higher (or someone who is more rank AND higher than all Cnidarian Radiate Initiates present -- good luck on that one, Rube), and only after drinking the Fifth (or, preferably, obtaining the immediate personal counsel of the Jellies). And, once I've told all, I may have to ***** the querent's ****** **** in such a fashion as to verifiably bring about ***** ** *******. The Jellies often insist on this. (St. whY)

A: And some people still wonder why my eyes are funny... (St. Young)

A: This initiate still retains his digits… well, with the exception of one toe but that was lost in a cuisinart. (St. James)

A: Did I forget to finish researching the precise liabilities? (St. Absentia)

A: That beard had it coming. (St. Klock)

Q: Does Our Blasted Lady of the Jellyfish condone violence?

A: That entirely depends on the situation in which violence is being considered. Would you care to elucidate, or must I ask The Thug of Cnidaria to extract a clarification from you? (St. Sailing)

A: No, but she puts a condom on it. (St. Hemmingson)

A: How do you define "violence"? She very carefully teaches her children not to step on ants or hurt kitty-cats, but joyously foretells of the Fiery Rain, and calls on a Thug to facilitate the agonizing downfall of False Humanogenetic "Saints" and their gods. You deicide. (Er, decide...) (St. whY)

A: We all have the right to consensual violence, and I believe Our Blasted Lady is fine with that. (St. Absentia)

Q: Are you on drugs?!

A: Are you insinuating that it's possible to NOT be on drugs? What do you suppose our proud consumeristic cultures have Wal-Mart sized drug stores for?! Though we do not approve of Wal-Mart, consumerism, or drug stores, so we're probably a lot more likely to subscribe to the good ol' black... uh... uh... I think I was about to say something about a black Sedan. Except we don't approve of cars either. Well, whatever. (St. Sailing)

A: Do you have any? (St. Hemmingson)

A: The household hypno-ray is currently tuned to CNN, aka "Inter-ocular speedballs for chronically hypo-reverent info-sluts". (St. whY)

A: We are high on file. (St. Young)

A: "Meds", not "drugs" but "meds". (St. James)

A: I can't help but notice the way the lumpy paint on the wall is constantly changing patterns and growing faces. (St. Absentia)

A: That all depends on whether the walls are actually talking back or not. I once knew a man... or, wait, maybe I didn't. Hello? (Dr. Wonka)

Q: Where is the best place to worship?

A: You can do it in the privacy of your home, among close friends & neighbors, or just about anywhere. Probably the best place though is on any public transport (bus, train, etc.) at around 5:15 pm at the top of your lungs. Plenty of converts to be had! (St. Young)

A: In the past I used to enjoy revering in dark clubs full of strobing colourful lights, weird videos, and cute dark clad (but 21+) youngsters who I could stare down upon with a letchy superior High Priestessness. I also revered chronically at conventions. Lately... I revered twice at home and once at a bar, staring most of the while at the weird giant blue fish over my head in the latter venue (sadly it was a fish, not a Jelly). At home I stared at the interesting shadows growing off the light fixture in my room. This should aptly demonstrate that there is a wide range of ways and places to worship. Try them all, and PLEASE share with ME! (St. Sailing)

A: Any place where I have protective/perceptive abilities granted by the Jellyfish, or at least a tangible pathway for the expression of my various religio-hedonistic imperatives. My home, friends' homes, stages, dark corners (and even restrooms) of nightclubs and restaurants, cheap hotels, taxicabs, and the occasional back alley have all - at various times – worked well. (St. whY)

A: While discussing philosophy with elderly ladies of the Jehovah’s Witness persuasion. I never liked doing it in convenience stores, but that is a personal issue. (St. Absentia)

Q: Won't this get me into trouble?

A: Not doing it will get you into worse! Just think that, by participating in public worship of the Jellyfish, you mark yourself as one of the incredibly rare humans on this planet that actually realize what is important! Not cell phones, not TV, not even what you are going to have for supper. It's the Jellies, man! (St. Young)

A: Humans got themselves into trouble and profaned themselves by not following the Wisdom of Cnidaria. Now we can follow the Jellies like good little monkeys, and immensely enjoy our trouble in doing so, or we can simply be in trouble and have a crappy time of it. Given the choice, even the most masochistic Cnidarians seem to prefer the enjoyable route through trouble over passively and boringly existing within our already existent trouble. (St. Sailing)

A: Probably, yes. However, the types of Trouble encountered on the Cnidarian path are quite likely to be really fun -- or, at least, "highly" cathartic -- whilst being gotten into. Those other suppliers rarely even offer a token reach-around with your Trouble order. (St. whY)

A: We are all doomed and should enjoy life accordingly. If you mean legal trouble, then that would clearly be a matter of your own personal choices and doings. (St. Absentia)

Q: How many Cnidarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Too ambiguous. The real question should be: "How many Cnidarians have screwed a lightbulb?" (St. Hemmingson)

A: The Blasted One typically prefers Hot Peppers to lightbulbs. Fire is nice, too, and swords, and guns... but, with the obvious exception of guns, those are rather difficult to screw in. Actually, in a very different sense, maybe it would be interesting to screw in fire. Much like a miniature Fiery Rain! (St. Sailing)

A: So now I have to have a giant, human-sized, light bulb in order to get some Jelly-ish action? WTF!?!?* I mean, like, sure -- I can build one. Cheaper than you can. But... For Jellysakes! A functional sexacidcult can hardly expect to gain Illumination by MAKING IT MORE DIFFICULT to "make it"!! Ideas like that are doomed to/by their inherent Mormonism. (St. whY)

A: This is an Inner mYsterY. Just by asking the question you have opened yourself up to perils you could barely imagine. Someone will be contacting you soon to either show you the way or clean up your mess. (St. Young)

A: The whole friggin' bunch of them, one to do the work and the rest to ecstacize. (St. James)

A: It is my understanding that most Cnidarians prefer the Buddy-Packer to light bulbs. (St. Absentia)

Q: Do you guys call yourselves Saints?

A: HERETIC!!! No mere mortal human scum has any right to declare themselves saints! The Jellyfish are saints. We are a cancer, we are pestilence! WE ARE HIDEOUS SELFISH INTRUDERS! Anyway, no, we aren't calling ourselves saints. We call ourselves "Streets", "Drives", "Courts", "Culdesacs", and, sometimes, even "Dead Ends". (St. Sailing)

A: I recall seeing a video tape of a Cnidarian Sermon at Death Equinox, wherein The Blasted One was blasted enough to accidentally say... Never mind. Consider that inadmissable. I will exercise my Right to Remain Silent if you please put down the Righteous Flamethrower of Vengeance!!! (St. Absentia)

A: We are pretty far apart from saints. Saints have their own personal days. Not many of us here are morning people. Saints need to have done at least 3 miracles. Our card tricks don't count. (St. Young)

Q: What do you think of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

A: *sigh* It truly saddens me that people sometimes mistake cnidocytes for spaghetti. If I could think of a way to help these poor deluded souls, perhaps through, say, chemical or sexual therapy, or whatever might work, I would hope to do so. I am, after all, a deeply humble and caring individual who is willing to test these therapies before using them on more human guinea pigs. (St. Sailing)

A: YUM!!! Can I get an order of garlic bread with that? (Dr. Cr*pman)

A: Sentient meatballs??? Completely absurd! (St. James)

A: I think it is very risky to attempt to mock the One True Form by perverting it into food-oriented shapes. All that do so are inviting “special” attention when the Day of the Rain is at hand. Where will these travesties stop? Cross-shaped stakes? Star cookies? Crescent shaped pastries? (St. Young)

A: How in Hades without being Under the Skirts of the Jellies can anyone expect me to find any sex appeal in noodles and meatballs of all things?! Actually I can think of a few things to do with them, but all of that food licking type humdrum is pretty passe. (St. Absentia)

A: Some contend that the FSM is actually back-engineered technology lifted from Nazi scientist research and the old Project Paperclip. FSMs have been spotted in Antarctica, near the hollow earth opening, absconding with large wads of cow meat (you know, cattle mutilations); other reports come from Brooklyn. And yet others contend FSMs are actually benevolent conscious entities visiting us from the Italia Galaxy, located on the 9th plane from the Mamamia Universe. I contend, however, that FSMs are simply Pasta Kaiju searching for the answers in the School of Secret Sauces (or SSS), not to be confused with the School of Secret Saucers (also SSS) and/or the Saucy Society of Sluts (aka SSS). (St. Hemmingson)

Q: Praise Helix or Domecracy?

A: Cnidarians obviously vary, but I believe it’s safe to claim the "average" Cnidarian supports a variety of disorganised religions and mistrusts organised religions. Therefore, outside of rare frustrated moments of feeling like they’re going to snap if that ledge gets jumped ONE MORE TIME, I think the "average" Cnidarian would prefer Lord Helix. Plus, Helix is a mollusc and they are generally considered to be allies of Cnidaria. As for me, personally... Helix all the way! Screw Domecracy! I am 100% Entropic Cnidarian to the core, and if it weren’t for strategies on Reddit I would be mortified to think Followers of Helix might be even less organised than Cnidarians are. Domecrats jump ledges too, anyway, and they are painfully slow about it. (St. Sailing)

A: We've seen D(e)ome(o)cracy fail again and again here. Stated goals evaporate in a mass, panicked, swarm of button mashing. Agent provocateurs appear out of the woodwork to sabotage elections. And IT'S TOO DAMN SLOW!!! All of the above points refer to the game and to the "real" world. (St. Young)

A: Helix has the tentacles to handle the complexities, Domecrats are all crat & no dome (or demo). The last thing we need is more 'crats' sabotaging all attempts at fairness by ironically whining about the same, until another stupid rule is created. Helix, on the other hand, looks like he can handle anything with those glowing, knowing, eyes. Nothing can freak him out (not even Bird Jesus). (St. Klock)

A: All Terrain Dragon Slayer is sexier than Lord Helix. (St. Absentia)

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