Cthulhachu ate my brain.
Yes, itís true. For 8 years my brain was in a chaotic limbo created by Cthulhachu. Every once in a great while, parts of it managed to seep back out into the world, hence the sporadic mirages of me existing and doing a little here and there.
But I was in a world of whirling black chaos, and every time I tried really hard to return to this world and reality the Maromis would sing to me and tell me to go back to sleep.
And so it goes.
8 years ago I published the last issue of Cyber-Psychos AOD (#10) and hosted the last Death Equinox (2001). Yesterday I listed CPAOD #10 on the web site, right after announcing on CPAOD-Discuss that I would be publishing again (CPAOD-Chibi, a new version of CPAOD).
I havenít touched the Death Equinox web site. Do we need Little Deaths to accompany CPAOD-Chibi? Well, give me a cheap and easy enough way... Otherwise, it's doubtful.
Tonight Iím going to Little Fyodorís new CD release party (CD: Peace is Boring) at the Lionís Lair, so Iíll add more to the web site tomorrow (...I'll add something that will kinda sorta explain what the hell Cthulhachu is).
Hopefully. This is at the Lionís Lair, where I used to all too often get way too drunk and stumble off who knows where. But then 2 years ago, in one of those spats of part of me escaping Cthulhachu, I re-visited the Lair and had such a STUPID aftermath that I never got drunk again. (Yeah, really, trust me, if I'm calling this a grand topper in drunken stupidity...)
Good thing, really, because I spent all of last year getting de-ironed. Likely due to the ample amounts of Scottish blood in my veins (another big contender for my personality -- but not so much for this issue -- is my German blood) I have hereditary Hemochromatosis. For about 4 months, probably a little longer, I sat in the cancer center chemo room getting over a pound of blood sucked out of me every single week. After that it was every 2 weeks. Recently (1 year and 10 months after it all began) I was down to every 3 months, and now I finally get to wait half a year. Yay!
It was one of those experiences that often made me think ďYíknow, I really would rather be getting cut and leeched in a torture reading than phlebotomized in a chemo room...Ē. Perhaps somewhere in the murky depths of my subconscious I knew all along that I needed to lose lots of blood.
I donít need to anymore. No need to offer to help me lose blood. Or to act on any such inclinations without asking or offering. I started feeling like a withered desert corpse last year, and Iíve had quite enough of it. For now. Until some interesting performance idea or other comes up.
That was all only one of the many reasons why I mightíve been willing to let Cthulhachu eat my reality.
There were tons of other reasons, of course, one of which was that I just plain couldnít deal with reality. Well, duh, right? Not that this means I asked or otherwise allowed Cthulhachu to eat my brain. It happened entirely against my will.
Now I seem to have the right mix of boredom and nihilism going for me, in all of the appropriate and necessary amounts for fighting Cthulhachu.
And I have some blood. Thatís kind of nice, too.
Back to the Thoughts Index.