I've read a handful of books on the subjects of Tantra and other varieties of sex magic. Most of them offered their own psychologies or philosophies alongside rituals for transcendence and transformation. One thing I haven't yet seen in any of them, and am interested in, is inadvertent transformations and successes through unintentional sex magic. What can such rituals, accompanied by the powers of synchronicity and serendipity, accomplish?
Two such events stand out in my mind, marking new beginnings amidst self-imposed repressions. During both of these occasions I was extremely blocked and more than a bit traumatized, and resultantly the effects of successful magic were extreme -- both physically and mentally. They weren't, and aren't, the end-all for my problems. Magic doesn't work that way. They were pillars at moments of breaking past my blocks and simply feeling again. Or, more importantly, of allowing myself to feel.
Breaking the Shame that Binds Us
(SNIP through past traumas, and story of pain and reluctant surrender.)
If you have any basic knowledge about the power of sexual surrender, then you probably have a fairly good idea of what was happening. I wanted to give in to him more than anything else, and I also realized that it would hurt me more than anything else. I couldn't outright deny myself the experience, though, so I accepted it. I surrendered, completely. I would be in agony shortly afterward, I would immediately be alone again on the mundane levels, but I also knew what was in my heart and I was ready for the painful transition. I couldn't walk away from him, couldn't get over him, couldn't have him, couldn't make it all go away. I could only accept it as it was.
In my past, I'd told far more people than him not to bother trying to get me off because it was impossible. The root of the problem, I knew, rested in the feeling of shame. I was afraid to enjoy myself, afraid to enjoy sex, and afraid to lose control. I did finally relinquish my control this time, though. I continued to cry while he began masturbating me with his fingers, then the usual electricity -- always overwhelming -- engulfed me and I allowed myself to enjoy it. He held me alongside him, preventing me from squirming away as it became too intense, and I absorbed the feel of strength from his arms bracing me against him. The endorphin rush began in my mind, the giddiness, and I wanted nothing more than to become meshed as one with him.
He remained alongside me, exactly as he had been while restraining me. The intercourse was very, very, slow yet quickly escalated into the most wild thing that has ever happened to me sexually. While I enjoyed just feeling him, a sweet sensation began in my vagina and I was amazed to think that I was about to have an intense orgasm. The feeling continued growing, though, and I felt myself becoming more overwhelmed. Then there was a jolt in my spine. It began creeping up ever so slowly, hitting my years' worth of blockages. Breaking them up, seemingly forcibly, and moving along again. I had no idea what it was, but I knew I was finally going to completely lose control and was half thrilled and half terrified by the prospect. Though part of my mind was screaming "What the hell is happening to me?", and I was even afraid of losing my mind, I managed to continue relaxing. I became more and more giddy as the thing, whatever it was, violently battered its way up my spine. After what seemed an eternity it reached my mind and exploded with an impact far more intense than any endorphin or adrenaline rush I've ever felt.
Right before it hit my mind I'd begun stammering "Oh shit oh shit oh shit". And when it hit, I screamed. After that I couldn't grasp anything. I gibbered and felt like I was wacked out on the best drugs I'd ever sampled or abused. For a while I managed to keep asking "What happened to me?" I had no idea. It was my then roommate, and now husband, Bruce who told me the next day that it was the kundalini serpent. Perhaps it was my reward for truly surrendering at the initiation of sex, an extreme magic opening me up and releasing the blockages from years of shame and trauma. I'd been right: I was experiencing something entirely beautiful. I'd simply had no idea that it was going to be that intense.
(SNIP through section wrap-up.)
The Transformative Powers of Pain
A few years later, many of the repressive feelings I'd worked past in that one night were with me again. I'd had a relationship which seemed stable enough at first, but turned out to be extremely destructive. Ultimately it was nothing more than a blatant perversion of surrender, and by the end of it I didn't particularly want to be touched by anyone. Another aggravating factor was that I had finally learned the true feelings of the person I'd experienced the kundalini with, right in time for him to finally succeed in killing himself. In ways I think I managed to backtrack into being worse off than I was before that particular night. Basically I'd been broken down in all of the wrong ways, and I needed to break myself down in the right ways so I could once again restructure myself.
(SNIP through sexual repression, pain-play, DE '97 torture reading, and another reawakening.)
Carnal Alchemy (sado-magic), in general, involves ritualistic transformation through manipulating the energies generated by pain, stimulation, and orgasm. The dominant partner (or partners, in this case) is the alchemist, and the submissive is the object being transformed (ie lead into gold). There was no orgasm involved in this ritual, but I think I had more than enough pent-up energies to make up for that. You might also think there was no sex involved. If you're turned on by pain under the proper circumstances (as I am), and spend forty-five minutes getting flogged, cut, burnt, and shocked, by several people, you're bound to become more than a bit stimulated.
(SNIP through pain induced giddiness, healing energies, and defeated fears.)
Outro
Both incidents involved my facing pain and fear, and accepting it. Likewise, both involved breaking past self-imposed barriers which prevented me from simply enjoying myself in the ways I desired. And, both times, I was able to work through my shame and fears and inevitably realize that my reasons for having such feelings were not due to circumstances that I couldn't move beyond. Initially I had convinced myself that sex was dirty, and that if I enjoyed it I would be equally as dirty. Later I convinced myself that I was too stupid and incompetent to safely include my desired pain in sex. In each instance the bliss I derived from "giving in" outweighed all else and I transcended my barriers.
(SNIP through article finale.)