Dear Publishers Clearing House:
I am new to the use of computers and this marvelous internet phenomenon. What a pleasant surprise to find the familiar face of PCH on the World Wide Web. I always think of PCH as a friend, and have purchased many magazine subscriptions through you. (As of yet I have not won any of your contests, but maybe I'll get lucky on the next one!) Due to my advanced age, I can only get out rarely; I rely heavily on mail order. I am finding being "on-line" helpful in this regard. But even with the convenience this brings, seeing your oversized envelope stuffed in my mailbox -- as I so often do -- brings a smile to my face.
I have looked over the magazines you now offer. I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to make a few suggestions regarding your selection. Please don't misunderstand me: I'm not implying that Lady's Home Journal, Town and Country, and Mademoiselle are not fine magazines. I just feel it would be to your advantage to include some newer publications targeted at a younger audience.
I used America On-line to do a search! I found the "web pages" of some particularly appealing magazines. I ordered sample issues of the ones that struck my fancy, and dedicated considerable time for their evaluation. You'll be pleased to know I discovered a few that surely must appeal to a broad spectrum of today's youth. I'm positive they would consider them a swing (or "right-on", or "boss", or "awesome", or "buff ", or whatever clever expression is currently in vogue).
First, I think you should consider FRIGHTEN THE HORSES. It's primary audience appears to be lesbians who enjoy bondage and sadomasochism. It contains many thoughtful and tender articles on the art of making love (excuse me for being so bold). I always thought myself worldly wise, and believed I had seen everything. But the article by the woman who dresses in diapers, sucks her thumb, and desires to be administered "disciplinary" enemas by her girlfriend was a real eye opener! Some dedicated readers even send in pictures. My issue featured a centerfold of a lady reminiscent of Margaux Hemmingway (God rest her soul -- it's so sad when one is taken so young). The woman is bound, gagged, and tied to a ladder, while her lady friends drip hot candle wax on her belly. Ouch! I wish I had this magazine when I was still sewing my wild oats.
Another fine addition to your periodical list would be TERMINAL FRIGHT. This magazine features spooky stories. Some of them remind me of our contemporary, H. P. Lovecraft, (but I confess I find his stories a bit too racy for my tastes). Although all the fiction in this magazine is of a high standard, one story sticks out. This tale concerns a young scholar who becomes fascinated with ghouls and the dead. He is fortunate enough to meet a charming lady who shares his interest in necrophilia. The romantic couple stroll graveyards by night, having there way with corpses. The evening culminates with the consumption of the corpulent evidence. On this Independence day, it makes me proud that our country has produced such talented authors.
Last but not least, I must mention CYBER-PSYCHOS AOD. (I still can't figure what the AOD stands for). The editor is a very artistic young lady, who strikes me as the most complete and thoroughly dysfunctional-borderline psychopath I have ever had the misfortune not to meet. Besides great fiction, you will find articles about music and concerts (great for the MTV crowd). Have you ever heard of "moshing" or "raves"? Boy, I wish I was firm enough to cut the rug with these kids -- I bet I could show them a thing or two! There even was an intriguing "how to" article on building a large, gas-powered, noise-generating contraption. The author states it can make a racket so loud it will piss-off people for miles around. Tomorrow I'm dusting off the old workshop! This should even be more effective than the razor blades I tried a few Halloweens ago.
I'm sure you can see why these magazines are striking a chord with today's youth. I hope you take the time to give these suggestions some serious thought. I'm so happy to have made it to see the age of computers. America On-Line has made my life so interesting. I look forward to seeing the smiling face and dead eyes of that deteriorating, talentless, hemorrhoidal, impotent, shingle-encrusted, old pecker Ed McMahon staring up from the depths of my mail box... soon!