Everyone simply must agree that in light of the number of letters that I insist appear both before and after my name in all publications graced with my contributions, ipso facto, I, alone, am clearly most qualified to argue arrogantly from the moral high ground of academic superiority. I plan to lend the weight of my considerable academic study into comparative religions to demonstrate, for example, the absurdity of Mormon beliefs when compared to the sublime science of Cnidaria.
As if my academic record were not already proof enough that I know whereof I speak, I intend to convince you here, through my superior use of logic, that my ability to drive home the lessons of Cnidarianism is comparable to that of any Street. It cannot be argued that a person of great cosmic knowledge and wisdom -- such as your humble, learned, servant -- would not postulate such an idea unless it were true. Ergo, true it must therefore be.
And so, as demonstrated above, I shall strive, in the spirit of Josh McDowell, to use circular argument to bolster my fervently held opinions and wear down any opposing arguments. Like Joseph Campbell and CS Lewis, I will impress you with my use of multisyllabic words (that sound related but never quite seem to converge on a common point) and Latin phrases -- while lulling the reader into a overwhelming sense of losing the thread (if not consciousness) of twisting sentences that stretch the known laws of grammar physics by going on far longer than might be thought possible (and containing multiple parenthetical asides (like this)).
It is your privilege for me to be here.
Rt. Hon. Dr. Cr*pman, PhD, DDT, BBC, XYZ, PDQ
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Dr. Cr*pman on the Stupidity of Mormonism
Mormonism is stupid. It's so stupid it shouldn't even be necessary to point out how stupid it is. I mean, how stupid do you have to be to be a stupid Mormon anyway? Pretty darn stupid, if you ask me. Take their doctrine on sex, for instance -- they're against it! How stupid is that? It doesn't take a brilliant scientist like me to point out the slight problem that your religion isn't going to get very far if its followers aren't procreating! You'd have to be pretty stupid to be in a religion like that.
So, there you have it. I said it so it must be true. And anybody who believes otherwise is stupid. Or a Mormon.
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Dr. Cr*pman on the False Doctrine of Salvation
There is no hope of salvation despite what the myriad false churches may claim. Humanity is damned. There is nothing that can be done to change the fact. It doesn't take a brilliant scientist like me to know that any prayer for a quick or painless scourge will only be met with more prolonged misery. The only hope is to learn to embrace pain.
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Dr. Cr*pman on the Universality of Cnidarianism
Cnidarianism is clearly a Universalist system -- encompassing not only all known alternative belief systems, but all possible belief systems in To-to (and outside of little dogs, too). Concordia cum veritate, the beliefs of other systems (Mormon stupidity not-withstanding) are immaterial to Cnidarianism and all humans are Cnidarians whether they know it or not. It doesn't take a brilliant scientist like me to recognize that when the great scourge finally happens, being a Christian, Muslim, or Orthodox Jew won't make a damn bit of difference to the amount of pain inflicted. All humans will be held, ad quod damnum, responsible for the devastation of the sacred breeding grounds. All will feel the wrath of the old ones. There is no salvation.
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Dr. Cr*pman on Purity
Purity is as immaterial as salvation. Good deeds do no good. You won't suffer less than a puppy kicker because you gave $20 to the humane society. Being a better person than the next one doesn't get you a closer seat to God and, even if it did, do you really want to be within tentacle reach of one of the ancient ones? What is it about damned that you don't understand? So stop worrying about staying pure and have mind blowing sex instead. With me.
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Dr. Cr*pman on Church Hierarchy
It takes a religion to raze a village. And what, I ask, is a village, but a collection of paths connecting dwellings? Some, chosen amongst lesser byways, have become known as "Streets" in church nomenclature. Others, designated by destiny or forfend, feted by fate, are designated "Drives" instead. Lest it risk accusation of resorting to exclusionary tactics similar to those decried in its detractors, the church hierarchy (if not the metaphor) must clearly be extended to embrace "Lanes", "Parkways", and even splinter the "Cul-de-sacs". It doesn't take a brilliant scientist like me to know that whatever way we select for our travels, our destination should still be the same seedy little bar by the underpass where you can score decent shit for a reasonable price.
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Dr. Cr*pman on Human Sexuality
It's safe to say that Cnidarianism is OK with pretty much whatever your twisted little mind can come up with as long as it isn't specifically aimed at propagating the species. I don't even have to quote some scripture out of context to misconstrue the position -- in the Cnidarian view, humans are a blight on the face of the planet and sex for the pure sake of procreation is blasphemy of the worst kind.
So, masturbation is great -- just clean up after yourself, ok? Oral sex and anal -- anything is finer than a cock in a vagina any morning! B/D & S/M -- knock yourselves out! Homosexuality, necrophilia -- no problems there, either! Cnidarians have remarkably open minds (not to mention legs) when it comes to pederasty of any kind that doesn't result in another human being's creation. It doesn't take a brilliant scientist like me to see that no other religion can claim to be so open-minded or all-inclusive when it comes to perversions!
So, cum one, cum all!
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Dr. Cr*pman on the After-Life
The scriptures are unclear on the possibility of the after life. While it is not forbidden, neither is one mentioned. So Cnidarianism appears tolerant of any of the various possible after-lives already envisioned in other belief systems.
Realistically, the only thing that is clear is that we are not wanted here right now. Where we go and what you do when we get there is of no consequence.
Woe be to those who are here when the old ones return to wreak their scourge!
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Dr. Cr*pman on Paying my Rent
OK, so where’s my fee?
Rt. Hon. Dr. Cr*pman, PhD, DDT, BBC, XYZ, PDQ