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St. James on Flying Meatballs
(or The Absurdities of Sentient Meatballs)

What’s WITH you people, anyway? I’m humbly talking to the Flying Spaghetti Monster adherents here, and I’m humbly suggesting that you are being taken for a mistaken motocross on a marinara moonbeam…

Granted, it’s not that hard to understand the Fiery Tentacles of our beloved Jellies being mistaken for spaghetti noodles for, after all, noodles of all types are shaped somewhat naturally like Tentacles. Well, noodles of MOST types anyway. And, yea, I say to you, noodles are nice… no, there’s nothing wrong with noodles. But, come on, people… those are meatballs you’re seeing nestled in those noodles!!! Meatballs!!!

Now, mind you, I love a good meatball too. Yea, meatballs alone, and, yea, meatballs with spaghetti, and, yea, meatballs on subs, and, most especially yea, meatballs swimming in mushroom gravy over rice or even mashed potatoes.

But I say nay, mind you, when it comes time to worship and devotion. And here again I’m humbly addressing you worshipers, you devotees, you disciples of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. For, mind you, a meatball has no Mind. And without Mind there is no sentience, and without sentience there is no direction, and without direction there is recipe, and therein lies a recipe for disaster…

The mere thought of meatballs having thoughts is an absurdity, don’t you think?

So I say to you: visualize your FSM, and visualize beside it a Jellyfish, and compare. There’s no meatballs in baseball and, more importantly, there’s no meatballs in Jellies. Note the beauty and radiance of the Jelly. Note the sheer, divine, omnipresence of its Mind. Concentrate and you will see Mind emanating from the Jelly and overshadowing the lowly meatballs. In fact you may see the Jelly’s distaste for the meatballs, for the Jelly knows there is no sentience there and they remind the Jelly of you and me ourselves. For aren’t we ourselves, we mere humans, aren’t we all just meatballs?

Realize the true way, the way of Cnidaria! For yea, there lies the truth and there lies your future! Praise the Jellies and await humbly for their return and for their subsequent Fiery Rain! Don’t be surprised if, out of anger and spite, they even throw a few crackers and onions into the mix -- you MEATBALLS!!!

St. James, The Humble

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