Cnidarian Home | Cnidarian Sermons | Cnidarian Tracts | Cnidarian Theses | Cnidarian FAQ

St. Sailing on #OpPincerAttack
(or Itís Not Only WBC Thatís Wrong With Kansas)

The time has come to officially declare #OpPincerAttack!

ďWhat is #OpPincerAttack?Ē, you might ask. Simply put, 2 separate fronts of united Cnidarians from Denver and Kansas City are pincer attacking the entire state of Kansas that lies between them.

There have been times when Iíve mentioned this Op, and people (donít worry, they werenít Cnidarians) have asked ďWhy? Not everything in Kansas is Westboro Baptist Church!Ē. Indeed. I know Kansas well. I was born there, and even though we escaped to Colorado when I was 3 I remained trapped in a life of repeatedly passing through Kansas. Now I spend up to 4 nights there, at least twice a year. The state currently has my only grandkids as hostages (because their parents live there with them, admittedly, but they were entrapped by the nefarious relative cheapness of living there). I canít see my grandkids without crossing the entire heathenous Bible Belt stretch of THAT STATE!

Yes, those are the sounds of my grinding teeth and seething that you are hearing now.

It is a well-established fact that Cnidarians Hate WBC (both Westboro Baptist Church and the World Boxing Council, but we still canít publically disclose our reasons for the latter). Clearly the sorts of statements issued by WBC are heathenous in that they depict being gay as a bad thing. Any proper Cnidarian knows that being gay is actually pretty damn cnacred, because it reduces the odds of human propagation. If we were all gay, every last one of us, the world would become a much better place.

I fear Iím bisexual, though, and I have set a terrible example by procreating. Yes, I am truly human scum and I should somehow atone. What do you expect? I was born in Kansas. Iím even married in a heterosexual fashion, but I swear I get good health insurance out of it.

Perhaps I should note that some Cnidarians probably donít genuinely hate WBC. Some of them are no doubt having complicated ďhating them is so much fun, and theyíre so insignificant next to the far more colourful and dramatic counter-protests they inspire, that I kind of love them in a wayĒ feelings about them.

So let me tell you that with a lot of Kansas it is NOT EVEN POSSIBLE to have a hate/love relationship. I AM SERIOUS. Take the drive. See the flat flat flat filled with fracking rigs and anti-abortion signs. Smell that chemical-aggro smell. Learn that fake agents of Jesus are watching your every move, and they do not love you. See how much time you can spend in Russell, Kansas, without getting creeped out and running away. Do it. I DARE YOU! Then see if you still want to think #OpPincerAttack is all about WBC (I definitely donít mean World Boxing Council this time).

And, you know, a lot of people (including Cnidarians) have gotten criminal records by being busted with marijuana in Kansas.

Operative J, The Blasted One

Cnidarian Home | Cnidarian Sermons | Cnidarian Tracts | Cnidarian Theses | Cnidarian FAQ