Now, obviously this is The Thug. Anyone from Mormon Feds to the Basilica PsiCorp to drug cartels to a pack of angry Girl Scouts could have been after him. Foul play is easy to suspect, and the conspiracy theories will undoubtedly abound.
However, obviously this is The Thug!!! THE THUG OF ALL THUGS!!! I personally find it very difficult to believe that anyone could have taken him down. Girl Scouts included! I believe, deep down in my depressed heart, that he was taking some great drugs and maybe also having some wild sex when it happened. In which case the loss is obviously a lot more ours than his.
Ever since that fateful day at Death Equinox 1999, when I called out to the masses of aspiring young Cnidarians to take St. Hemmingson down for me so I could Buddy Pack him, Iíve known without a doubt that no one could out-Thug our Thug. The two speediest strapping lads to charge after him were no ordinary contenders! Not only had they been tasked with dumpster diving earlier in the day, for things we could hack to pieces with the Sacred Axe, one of them was Todd... and if you ever knew Todd, you knew he had a lot of fine Thug qualities himself. And these guys were younger and healthier... much younger, I think they were about 19 at the time... but, for the record, I donít know that. Itís not like the person tasked with organising the convention well enough to let it run entropically was sitting at the registration desk.
And itís not as if Todd wouldíve infamously had Thug Potential if he wasnít the sort to get older people into trouble with him anyway.
Regardless, he and his friend were no match for The Thug. They were easily and deftly fended off by St. Hemmingson, who grabbed the Sacred Axe in an Unholy Blur of Motion and turned it upon them. There was not a thing they could do, and I didnít get to Buddy Pack anyone.
It should at least somewhat ease the minds of everyone who is feeling terribly vulnerable over the loss of The Thug that there is a primary Thug Disciple (Dr. Wonka) and he is working hard on channelling those Thug vibes.
But I believe we all also know that the original Thug can never truly be replaced. It had been my intention to eventually retire him, in life, to the position of Grand Master Thug so he wouldnít be forced to hobble along Thugging our enemies with a cane in his mellower later years. At that time an aspiring Thug Disciple would have become the new Thug. I fear our top Thug Disciple is still in training because we werenít expecting this to happen any time soon... And, yes, that does mean we are more vulnerable and we will all need to be more vigilant against threats to Cnidaria.
Weíre working on it. Stay tuned.
St. Hemmingson is still being declared the Grand Master Thug. Itís earlier and for different reasons than weíd expected, but it remains true that such is his well-earned position in both life and death. You may consider him The Spiritual Thugfather of aspiring Thugs everywhere. I donít know if there is an afterlife or, if so, what exactly it is. I do know that even if there isnít one our Grand Master Thug will be teaching the fine arts of Thuggery to the very microbes of the earth. One day the Jellyfish will be upon us, and St. Hemmingson will lead his Thug Microbe Army to drive the humans out of hiding!
Perhaps we can even hope that, in times of desperate straits, he will at least be psychically lobbing the Sacred Axe or the 3-Legged Ass-Whoopiní Stool at some of our enemies.
Aspiring Thugs should attune themselves to the Cnidarian Cosmos, and maybe clutch an Art Bell figurine or something, and ask the Grand Master Thug for guidance in their path to becoming True Thugs.
But, aside from getting cosmic, Iím sure many of us are having thoughts and feelings about the passing of St. Hemmingson. Please feel free to send your thoughts my way if you would like them to be included on the website. One of our underage Cnidarian Illustrators is working on a memorial Grand Master Thug picture, and all Cnidarians are welcome to contribute. Including the ones who only knew the Legend he has always been.
St. Hemmingson was not only The Thug, he was one of the original Cnidarian Streets, a steadfast spreader of Cnidarian Gospel (even if it was sometimes more violent-minded than the average Cnidarian Gospel, but what do you expect from a Thug?), one of the active creators of the foundation of the First Church of Cnidaria, and a participant at every Death Equinox Cnidarian Sermon. And no one could troll Mormon usenet groups quite like he could...
This loss is truly phenomenal, but we will all eventually be lost and those of us who arenít must go on.
Praise the Jellyfish, Damn the Mormons, and maybe Thug something that damn well deserves it in his honour. You donít need to Thug too hard. Just a minor trifle Thugging of something will do. Itís the thought that counts, after all. Maybe Iíll pop off a few rounds with the slingshot or crossbow St. Klock gave me, after the snow goes away, and Praise The Thug while Iím at it. Pop Ďem off at a fence, that is, at A PIECE OF FENCE!
St. Hemmingson was, tentacles down, one of the best Bastard Pervert Children a Jelly Mom couldíve hoped for, and I will always miss him.